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Remembering those First Weeks as a Mom

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When you become a mother, you join a sisterhood inhabited by countless others. In spite of all my newfound “sisters”, however, I was lonely in those beginning weeks. I never felt lonely when it was just my daughter and me.  Those moments were absolute perfection. I actually felt the loneliest when I was talking to certain older moms – women who had been mothers for much longer than I.  Many seemed to have forgotten what it was really like to have just had a child.

Of course, as a new mom, I was bombarded with unsolicited advice.  But when I’d ask about specific things they had done or particular experiences they had had, they washed over it or claimed they forgot.  I’ll give some the benefit of the doubt – maybe they did forget.  I know with most things in life, time washes away memories of the minutiae and for the most part only the impactful moments remain.  A lot of times, however, I suspect they didn’t think much of the question.  It felt like anyone who had a child over the age of 5 somehow totally forgot what those first few weeks were like.  It was as if some of these experienced mothers contracted a virus that wipes away memories of fear or uncertainty and the only memories that remain are the obligatory lack of sleep references. Things they learned in hindsight somehow, in their retelling of the past, magically become things they just knew as a new mom.  Everyone, mother or not, knows that babies cry and you lose sleep and you change (and change and change and change) diapers.  But I’m talking about those first few days where you and your baby are getting to know one another.  All of those questions that seem silly to others but mean so much to you.  Which cry means what?  How do I know if she’s getting enough milk?  How many diapers do I take when I leave the house?  Should I even leave the house with a newborn?

What they didn’t realize was that the answer wasn’t as important as the acknowledgement.  Loving your child is easy.  It’s instinctive and incredibly powerful.  But motherhood itself is hard.  Period.  And there are a million different and perfectly acceptable ways to solve many of its dilemmas.  Most of the time I didn’t necessarily need another solution.  Looking back, I think I just needed to know I wasn’t the only one that had that question.  I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to leave the house for fear of germs.  I wasn’t the only one who checked to see if my daughter was breathing all night every night. I wasn’t the only one who had no interest in “taking a night off” because I just got her and there aren’t enough nights in a lifetime to satisfy me.

And yes, you can Google questions to your heart’s content and find a million answers (as I most certainly did) but sometimes you just want a living, breathing person to look you in the face and in some way or fashion say “I’ve been there. I get it.” Not “My child was so wonderful I never had that problem”.  Not “What a silly thought/question/statement”.  Just a simple, “Oh yeah. I remember that”.

While my daughter is still very young, I try hard to remember what those first few days and weeks were like.  I know that memories fade over time but I don’t think it’s important that I remember exactly how many diapers I loaded into my diaper bag or exactly how long it took me to learn how to latch her properly.  I just want to make sure to remember that even though those questions don’t seem like such a big deal to me now, at one point they did. I want to be able to tell my daughter years from now when she is holding her little one, that I get it.  I remember.  And no matter what she decides to do, she’s a really good mom.

Do you remember how it felt to be a brand spanking new mom? What things do you want to try to remember?



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